The Style Invitational Week 998 There ought to be your
law
By Pat Myers, Updated: Wednesday, November 21, 6:46 PM
Real law: In Massachusetts it is illegal
to play only part of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” (General Laws, Part IV, Title
I, Chapter 264, Section 9)
Not a real law: In Massachusetts all
dogs riding on car roofs must wear diapers. (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
You’ve probably seen those
lists of “stupid laws still on the books.” Eighty-two-time Loser Mike Gips did,
and then suggested this week’s contest: Suggest an odd law for a particular
place in the world, perhaps prompted by some event that future generations
would lose track of. You may also specify the punishment for breaking the law.
Alas, most of the really ridiculous “still on the books” laws in these widely
circulated lists — that women in Tucson are forbidden to wear pants, or that in
Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6 p.m. — don’t actually
exist. But that doesn’t stop us from adding to them.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial,
the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place
receives a (we hope) unique product: An ill-conceived craft project that the
Empress found at a church bazaar, it consists of a bonnet-shaped brimmed basket
with a little glass bowl in the middle. On the brim have been glued various
sections of a dismembered teddy bear lying on its back — arms on the sides,
legs on one end, head at the other end, so that the bowl is in the middle (I
would fill it with giblets). But to top it off, the bear head has been modified
to include antlers and a red nose — so we have Rudolph the Red-Nosed,
Fleshy-Pawed, Dismembered Reindeer/Bear Hybrid.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly,
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 3; results
published Dec. 23 (online Dec. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
week. Include “Week 998” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as
spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this
week’s honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in
the “Next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 994, in which we asked for ideas for our two new lusted-after Loser
Magnets given to honorable mentions. The slogans are by the Losers; the design
and art are by our resident magnetician, Bob Staake, who has gained such
stature in the Real Publishing World that we now value each business-card-size
magnet at $10,000, up from the previous 21 cents. As usual, we’ll have 500 of
each of these made, so this pair should last us about a year. After that, we
might dig back into these results for the next set.
The winner of the Inkin’
Memorial
plus the magnet featuring his
idea: [See the “not(e)worthy” design at the top of the page.] (Bruce Carlson,
Alexandria, Va.)
2. Winner of this magnet
featuring her idea (see below), plus a romance/fantasy/sci-fi novel written by
Tom Witte’s mother-in-law: Discredit Card (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
3. Po’ Wit Laureate (Roger
Hammons, Ashburn, Va.)
4. (With picture of the
Empress) We Ain’t Not Amused / Honorable Mention (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Mag-nyets: Honorable mentions
Magnum Dopus (Beverley Sharp)
Second to Some / Honorable
Mention (Oliver Crown Williams, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)
(With picture of a scornful
Empress) E. Loves Me Not / Honorable Mention (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
Hardly Har-Har / Honorable
Mention (Barbara Turner)
My Other Magnet Is From the
Pulitzers (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Glib Till It Hurts (Julia
Shawham, Silver Spring, Md.)
Sis Boom Blah! (Mary E.
Moore, Gladwyne, Pa.)
My Other Refrigerator Is in
the Back Yard (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
Certificate of
Underachievement (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
I Submit to the Empress (Rick
Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
Abandon Taste, All Ye Who
Enter Here (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
(With picture of toilet) Jest
Passing Through (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)
Hey, Loser: Stick This! — The
Empress (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.; Travis McKinney, San Antonio)
Only 700 More of These and I
Can Tile My Kitchen Floor (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)
On the Verge of Average/
Honorable Mention (Arden Levine, New York)
wiseCRACK ADDICT (Mike Gips)
Blather, Wince, Repeat: The
Style Invitational (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)
Lexicomic Relief: The Style
Invitational (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.)
(Picture of a guy with finger
in nose) An Honor Just to Be Picked (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
Losing: My Religion (Mark
Raffman, Reston)
I MADE THE EMPRESS upCHUCKLE
(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
On the Lunatic Fridge (Amanda
Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
The Wit Hit the Fan (Bird
Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.; Jon Hamblin, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)
Budget Metal Detector (David
Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Crudos! Honorable Mention,
The Style Invitational (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Next week’s results: Ask Backwards, or Query Picking